clearing things up

dear god,

i know it's your job to know every little thing that's going on with every single person on this planet, but i just wanted to give you the heads up on a little matter that you may have over looked. actually if it is your "job" to know all of this, then i feel very sorry for you. it must be so painstakingly boring that you must want to just pull your ears out from your head every time someone starts out a new story! ... that is, if you have ears... and a head. i know that sometimes when people start telling me a story that has way too much detail, i just start to think about what a wonderful waste of time it has all been... then i want to pull my ears out. one time, i was listening to this one person tell me about how they couldn't find the right peanut butter at the super market... i just about van-gogh'd myself, but i couldn't find a knife. i ended up doing something a lot worse. i pretended to listen while the whole time i was trying to figure out how to get a hold of a knife so i can hand this guy my ears and get the hell out of there... oops, i mean heck... sorry god.

so, god... sir, you probably know where i am going with all this, because without a doubt, i have no clue. let me get back to my original complaint. you see, yesterday when i poured raging hot coffee on my stupid co-worker's hand, i did say i was sorry. i really meant it too... at the time. however, it wasn't till he started over-dramatizing the whole thing that i started joking about it. you see... god? it was at the very beginning that i had remorse. you must have missed my sorrow filled face with eyes filled with concern and regret... regret that i didn't burn my own hand, my own burnless hand. you must have tuned in a little bit late. you must have only seen the part when i was giving him hello kitty band-aids, and telling him that he should probably seek medical attention for the mental trauma he is going through. i was just joking. no need to get all even with me.

the things you are pulling are fairly juvenile and quite dangerous. for example, making my bike slip on the ice causing me to slam to the ground is pretty lame. first of all i have studded tires on my bike, so slipping on ice is almost out of the question. further, everyone knows i am an extremely skilled ice-cyclist.... extremely skilled. i have ridden through 4 of colorado's 5 winter storms without so much as a pedal slip. by the way, what's up with all these winter storms? are you trying to form a glacier over here? that would suck. i know a lot of people who will be pretty upset with you if you try and pull that one. hopefully you're just spreading some winter love around. also, sorry for all those years of driving my car everywhere, and that one year when i took exceptionally long and hot showers. and maybe my house is a little on the warm side. but, it's all good right?

you must have gotten a pretty good laugh when my bike slipped out from under me so fast that my bike appeared to have disappeared beneath me. i didn't even have time to remove my hands from the handlebars nor my feet from the pedals. in fact i hit the ground so quickly i don't even remember the trip down. usually when i fall [not on ice, because as i have mentioned, i am extremely skilled on ice] everything happens in slow motion. i have time to adjust my body to minimize impact... or at least put an arm out for crying out loud. but thanks to you god and your insistence on teaching me a lesson... i had no time for anything, but post fall embarrassment. i had to go through the day with a bloody road rash that would occasionally get stuck to my pants giving me a continuous reminder of the pain.

ok, let's just say for the sake of argument, that i had no remorse... which is probably what you might have thought if you didn't see the whole burning coffee situation unfold. having an extremely skilled ice-cyclist slip on the ice would have been good enough payback... however, you some how figured out that i needed more. this next thing is , no offense, but extremely obvious. i mean making an innocent-hard-working-charity-giving-honest engineer slam his thigh into a table so hard that the table almost breaks. come on! that left a huge bruise on my thigh just above my bloody ice-slipping wounds. what is next ... god? a pie in the face?

i felt compelled to write to you this evening, this evening that is on the eve of friday the 26th [the 26th happens to be 2x13]. please recheck your data and correct this matter as soon as you can. i am sure if you replay the video from yesterday's coffee drama, you will see that i have been unjustly payed back, and deserve to be injury free for an extended period of time. i have a bunch of events planned this year so please keep the injuries to a minimum.

yours truly,

ex-cyclist

p.s. i am also tired of breaking my toe every year.